Homewrecker!!!! ....devil's advocate

Scenario: So you've been dating this guy for what seems like enough time to realize that he's " THE ONE". You begin to plan your future including him with aspirations of marriage, kids, location change, etc. Every thing seems to be going great when all of a sudden, you start to notice subtle changes that eventually make you realize that you're not in Kansas anymore. Hey, it may not be going so well but WHO CARES!!!??!!...he's " the one" right? So you deal and try your hardest to get back to where you once were when...... one day you come to the harsh realization that...BAM !!! This motherfu*cker has been creepin! Yes, your "soulmate" has cheated on you. And you swear that you didn't even see it coming!!!! The End.

Ok, so in a nutshell, that's nonsense. As we get older, I'd like to think that we have enough common sense to realize that nothing just happens all of a sudden. No matter how good a guy may have become at hiding his deceptive behavior ,there were ALWAYS signs. The important thing to remember is that the signs you're looking for are from HIM. As much as we'd like to think that men are of the weaker sex when it comes to willpower and turning down any women that throws "it" in their faces, the fact remains you weren't dating the other women. You were dating HIM. Whether she knew about you not, or no matter how much you wanna believe that she turned him to betray you, luring him in with what seems like a better life , it doesn't change the fact that the problem you have is ultimately between HIM and you. Who she is, what she does ,when she does it, and how, isn't something that you need to concern yourself with; ultimately IF her character is in question, payback isn't now your inherited duty in order to defend good women everywhere trying to keep a man. Besides, if this man you knew so well couldve decieved you, he's very capable of decieving her too....there's two sides to every story.

Should there really be such a term as a "HOMEWRECKER"??? How could this woman have possibly "broken up a happy home" if she didn't even live in your house? Furthermore you need to ask yourself was your HOME really that happy or were you living in a house that constantly needed renovations? MY Opinion: some of us women like to give hints. We like to drop subtle signs all over the place in order to fix something we don't like, or get something we want. When that doesn't work then, and only then, will we change our plan of action. As we have become so good at this, how could we not acknowledge the signs of others? Although we tend to get a bad rap for prying and nagging, if something doesn't seem right, its important that you act on it. If your significant other is telling you everything is fine yet, you clearly see that things are not the same as they were in the begining, it may be time for you to get to know this person you see as your potential mate a little better. As time goes on you may be fortunate enough to learn what you slowly won't tolerate anymore.
Although the purpose of this entry was initially to address women who are distraught and unsettled because of harsh feelings revolving around an untrustworthy relationship,the idea of truly getting to know each other can help any relationship that may be in turmoil. The problem is not always a cheating man that can't be trusted. NOT ALL MEN CHEAT. Yet just like women, men are HUMAN first. They go through a series of trial and error just like us. Before you get to the point where your left heartbroken and emotionally destitute, vowing to never love again, use communication to the best of your ability. Whether you choose to or not, it will never change the fact that there are always signs that that you need to look for which can either lead you in the wrong or right direction. If you choose to remain ignorant to the map in front of you, no matter how hurtful it may seem, you may have to suck it up and take responsibility for getting lost.

The hypen......

Do we really need the hyphen???

This is an issue that many women, along with myself have struggled with for a long time. The point when we let go of the individualism we've come to cherish in order to find true love is a battle that many women fight; some will win, while others will fail miserably. It’s bad enough that divorce rates are through the roof along with unsuccessful relationships as a whole. The reasons are countless yet one important factor may be that as women, we’ve forgotten how to let men be men. We've achieved so much that many of us feel that we should take our rightful place right next to a man yet, overlooking the shine he needs too. If you believe in marriage and plan on having your vows recited before GOD in a church ,then the basics still remain clear." Wives submit unto your husbands"... Without taking us back into the Stone Age, there is a way in which we can be powerful influential women and still let a man be the man. This whole “Miss Independent” thing is great and overdue, but one may say its gone a little overboard. Yes it’s true that there are many men in this world who have left tons of women without a choice but to play both roles equally, however if you truly attempt to be in a successful relationship when that time comes, its important that we let go and have faith that the guy you've chosen will take on his responsibility as a MAN to the best of his potential. If he fails, that’s not a reflection on you.

Courtship goes a long way. Women,let him open the door for you. Let him pay for a meal or two. That does not take away from your ability to take care of yourself. It shows in a small way how you feel you deserve to be treated. If something needs fixing, let him try to fix it. I’m not saying let him pay all your” Bills Bills Bills,”, but if he’s willing to help let him. I’ve grown to learn that a good man would do what he can to help his lady (if he really cares), because he expects that if he’s ever down for the count, you’d do the same. Yes, we can do all the things a man can do but just like we need to feel appreciated, so do our male counterparts. Yes its important to be independent and I'm sure as Ne-Yo so nicely put it, men love it especially nowadays, however this is only for a limited time and should be willingly compromised once you've decided to be in a meaningful relationship. If you've been in what you call a committed relationship and still just want a man around, instead of needing that man, examine how far you expect that relationship to go and why. Keep in mind that needing someone doesn't mean you can't go on without them .It simply means that you've looked in your past where you've been, are examining your present together and see them in your future plans. To need him means that out of all the choices you may have, this is the one that counts.
The first step of submission may be taking his name. I've begun research to discover who was the first woman to decide that its essential to keep both her name and her husbands name. Jones-Harding, Washington- Bradley, etc, etc. As a woman who has accomplished A LOT by herself, I can understand the importance of wanting to appreciate the accomplishments you've made without the help of anyone else and wanting to carry that onto your children. Yet when we decide to embark on the union of marriage, this is not just a tough decision for you, but for him too. With all the men out there running from marriage, this man has decided that you are worthy of sharing his legacy, his last name with you. The first thing that made this man who he is. If hes truly a worthy man of your time ( as I know many are frontin’ out there), then we should be honored. Key Message: If you are who you are, you ll be that person regardless, with or without a ring. Hanging onto your name isn’t what made you who you are or what you’ve done. Too many of us go into relationships one way , expecting drastic life changes in our partner ...good luck. Furthermore your name, is not what's going to make the future generations beneath you follow in your footsteps. A powerful legacy comes with teaching and raising .You can tag on as many names as you want to ,but will it really have a profound effect on the outcome your trying to achieve ? You decide.

-One growing woman’s opinion.

OK.... We Hear You!!

WOMAN: Wife, sister, mother, councilman,lawyer,,confidant, handyman, caregiver...and the list goes on. It's no secret that ladies today have come a long way in the various roles that we play in society, sometimes simultaneously. In some cases we have a tendency to take this way too far, losing the role that we were meant to portray as a woman. Whatever we do should be an attempt to reach some sort of contentment and happiness for ourselves. Yet many of us are left miserable and bitter, and leaves me wondering why. "I am woman , hear me roar" may have once upon a time been a necessary proclamation but today, its gone a bit too far. Women, especially of color have taken on the responsibility of the world on their shoulders as they try to accomplish as much as possible, defying the expectations of everyone who didn't believe they could do it. Its safe to say we've done pretty well in handling it all, yet it seems that lately we feel the need to express our accomplishments and tell of things that we've overcome to the world time and time again. Many of us have gotten through a lot in our lifetimes and this may only be the beginning. We were even privelged to watch the closest a woman has ever come to being president of our nation as Hilary Clinton broke down many barriers for women worldwide. So if that’s the case shouldn’t we be proud not angry? No matter how much someone may look down on you, or try to " hate" on you , that's their problem not yours. There will always be people who will undermine your achievements and neglect your greatness. Its time that we women come to a sense of contentment within ourselves to live our lives for us , and not to prove something to someone else....as if they have a reward waiting for us everytime we proclaim how wonderful we are. The time and energy we use to "speak our mind" , letting someone know all that we've done, and all you won't tolerate because we've done so much , is a moment that we can't get back; which couldve been used to do something that makes us genuinely happy; instead of the resentment we feel when we don’t get the response we expected from the world . Also, the same ladies that are out there highlighting what they feel are their strengths day after day, hour after hour, are the same ones living with the regrets of what has ultimately become their weakness.

A lot of us try to advertise the accomplishment of ourselves, but fail to give that same acknowledgment to other women who are trying their best each day. Ladies if you look carefully, our biggest critics aren’t our male counterparts but ourselves.
It’s pretty much expected for us to continue to great things, with grace and humility without the approval of our peer counterparts. We’ve come a long way but we have a long way to go, starting with us.

Baggage Claim

We constantly hear that it’s a danger to any relationship to bring the experiences of your past into your present. Is that even really possible? Just as a new day comes, yes, that should be the mind set that you bring into each new relationship ... but is any of us really able to not in some way tie in some aspect of our past into our present, as we try to impact our future? Is" luggage" always a negative thing? The one thing that's certain is that it’s inevitable. When we go away on an overnight trip we carry some kind of bag with something in it so we can be "prepared” for whatever may be in store for us at our destination. Even kids that try to run away from home carry one of those little knapsacks (we see in the movies or cartoons) because something inside tells them that they must carry something in order to get where they're going and be ok . The point is, no matter the journey that lays in front of us, sure or unsure, you have to carry your past experiences with you....its shaped who you are and you'll never be the same again. Good or bad, it helped you get to where you are and for some of us, have become an essential part of our growth process. Due to lack of experience, some of us may have been ill-prepared or "ill-packed" in the past, but it’s up to us now to take the necessary items of life that we've skillfully gained with time, on the journeys ahead of us. If we don't that means that somewhere along the line, we've hindered our growth process and have stopped learning; and then wonder why one destination seems to take us right back where we started.

Once again, as we grow, we need to take the necessary items that we've acquired over the years with us. Key Word: NECESSARY. The problem arises when we start to pack and bring a whole bunch of bull sh*t that we don't need, which in most cases, it weighs us down. Just as packing too little hinders us, so does packing too much. When it comes to relationships, the most we need to bring is a carry-on bag ONLY. Yes ,some of us go through a lot in relationships, yet if we look in hindsight, the key problems are really quite simple: with the help of ignorance or over-thought, we've either made enough alterations or assumptions to ensure that a rock became a mountain...and we don't even know when or where that took place. If you honestly feel like you have more problems and issues that just can't fit into a carry-on bag, then maybe you should reconsider entering any future relationships, until you've gone through enough healing and self reflection, to evaluate what it is you do and do not need to bring on the journey ahead.

Bringing just the right amount into a relationship becomes an act of selflessness . If you're involved with someone whom you feel is worthy of your attention, this helps the BOTH of you examine where you've been in the past and helps you both get a better idea of where you two may potentially be headed in the future.When you bring any type of baggage, you should be using whatever it is you've carried. If you don't plan on going swimming, then you wouldn't bring a bathing suit would you? Don't bring it if you don't see yourself using it to the best of your potential. Ladies, If you're still resentful of your past lover for being unfaithful and now think all men are cheating dogs, thats something you could've left at home. If you're a dude that's had a few bad relationships in the past and now believe that you have "commitment issues" forcing you to remain unfaithful,, that's baggage that didn't really need to bring and are probably better off being happily single for a while. Just as packing enough is self less, To bring too much baggage becomes an act of selfishness. It's possible that we can bring so much stuff into a relationship that it overshadows whatever your partner brought as well; as both need to be taken into account . When a suitcase may get too heavy to carry, we may either take breaks along our path, slowing us down or give someone else the daunting task of carrying it for you. The same goes for emotional baggage. Too much emotional baggage can weigh down not just you, but your partner as well. Carrying a heavy load is one thing but if you do, it’s only fair that you take responsibility for it. You may be able to find a partner that's willing to help you unpack but at the end of the day, they'll never be able to help you enough until you help yourself; ultimately helping the both of you.... if your willing.

Key message: Be careful of what you pack on any journey you decide to embark on. Luggage in its entirety is a necessary part of enduring life and helps you to prepare to embark on new adventures . If you don't acquire tools/items ( good and/or bad) on each trip as a souvenir, isn't the trip that much harder to remember? Its important to keep in mind that although you may want to take everything you've gained everywhere you go, you may not need every thing that you've attained. At the end of the day YOU must choose wisely what you decide to bring next."Becoming a person or a nation with character doesn't happen without self confrontation. It asks for strength exactly in those area where you feel weak.". Decide if you're ready to have your "luggage" be a weakness or a strength in your life.

From the Archives of a Predator........WRITTEN BY THAT DUDE K.C.!

Soooo its always cool to get the male perspective .........

-From The Archives of a Predator: The Letter That Was Crumpled and Tossed Back

Dear Flyest Girl In Class,

Do you like me? Yes or No?

If you are leaning toward no, allow me to sway you the other way with this 4 week plan.

Week 1
I will treat you like a perfect gentleman. I will listen to everything that you have to say and even act like I’m interested in the things that you like. Our first date will be to the park to take in the beauty of nature.

Week 2
I’m still listening intently to the things you like and don’t like. I’ll even listen to outdated laments about your former mates. I’ll heed those retrospective complaints and do everything you like, and nothing you don’t.

Week 3
I’m done listening so carefully. Phone calls wane and we spend more time indoors. And if we happen to get physical by now (ideally this would’ve happened on day one), effort goes out the window. I hope to benefit from your lack of prudent judgement.

Week 4
I can text you when I want to get physical. Hopefully you don’t mind. If your pesky self-worth and better judgment outweighs your carnal self, then I’m in luck!

Now, I’ve made my case. So just circle ‘Yes,’ so that we can be happily ever after until finals. Don’t listen to your better judgment because it knows nothing! Thank you for your attention in this matter.

Truly yours,
The innocent smart kid in class.


I was pretty truthful in college…