"Wow your'e pretty!.....for a dark-skin girl"?

This is a topic that I personally hold dear to my heart, for various reasons. I have been blessed with many girlfriends and family members who are beautiful, and possess distinct features which make them gorgeous each in their own way. It seems that many people in society believe that one of those features include the complexion of our skin. We see it everyday when were given compliments by people . In case it wasn’t evident before, judging level of beauty based on how light or how dark a female may be is NOT a compliment, and could ultimately be seen as an insult. The words, "For a dark-skin girl" for a dark skin woman, supports the notion that we've made some huge accomplishment by being deemed attractive , surpassing the unattractiveness of our skin color. Some may say there a much bigger issues at hand dating back to slave ages when light skin slaves were freed faster than dark skin slaves as they were seen as being more attractive to slave masters. Also, lighter skin slaves (usually interracial slaves) were able to work in the kitchen and not take on strenuous jobs such as darker slaves. Yes, in other means, black is considered dirty and has negative connotations but here we are in 2009 and its time we realize that does not equate to our appearances. It’s amazing that this is still a major issue. Whether due to ignorance, or just plain prejudice amongst our own people, Its time to change our way of thinking not for ourselves, but for generations in front of us. With the help of media constantly highlighting the "beauty " of light-skin women with big booties and long flowing hair, it has become easy for dark skin women to neglect their true beauty, masking it with weaves, make up, and other disguises. The sooner we realize that were beautiful just the way we are, the better. Women once we realize it in ourselves that will force those who were skeptical before to notice too.Each person decides for themselves what is attractive and what's not.

Also, everyone is entitled to a preference of certain features they feel are beautiful and there's nothing wrong with that. Also, women as a whole have a right to dress anyway they desire and just because they do wish to wear weaves doesn’t necessarily mean they are trying to hide their “blackness”. The question we need to ask ourselves is why we do the things we do. Entertaining that question ultimately may help you realize that your answer may go a lot deeper than you may think. On a similar note, please remember that America is a melting pot for different nationalities to come forth and be fruitful for themselves. We have natives from the West Indies, Africa, Peru, China, and many more. After living here for our entire lives we may think were very knowledgeable of who's who and where there from. The reasons why do support another level of ignorance that needs to be tended to. Attention: Not ALL West Indian people sound the same, not ALL Asians look the same, and the list goes on. Furthermore, if you see someone that doesn't look the way you expected for their nationality, become intrigued to learn more, not judgmental to know why. If you’re curious as to why the next Trinidadian person you meet doesn't have a strong accent, don’t assume reasons to make sense out of it. If the next Jamaican you meet has long hair or is of a lighter complexion, don't assume they must be mixed in heritage because it doesn't meet the stereotype you have become so used to. Not all Asians have a family member who owns a nail shop and not all Mexicans have an independent family business selling fruit. These are just some of the countless stereotypes we see and believe everyday. Although many of these arose from the consistency of the usual, its important to remember that this is America....the only consistent factor is the change that comes with living here. Some may feel it’s kinda cool to surpass the expectations of a country, but after a while, it’s a bit ridiculous. Embrace the differences that come and open your mind to a new pathway of learning .

Hello Pain

Hello Pain,
It's me again. You remember me don't you? I was the one that
came by yesterday to keep you company, as you told me all about
yourself. We talked for hours and hours as you slowly revealed just who you are. As you invited me in, sadly bliss departed because , I dont know...he claims there wasn't enough room for the both of us. However, shortly after we began chatting, reality came by as well; funny, he seemed to fit in just fine. You sure know how to leave an impression. As we got to know each other, you slowly became an essential part of my life, as everything I did, I kept you in mind. Like my best friend: you were always there for me, and just when i thought I had it together, you would come to show me the way...your way. To know you meant making a few sacrifices…sacrifices that seemed worth it if I could always depend on you. I needed you, more than I needed to be ME. So my actions, even my thoughts, revolved around keeping you in my life. It seemed as if when we were friends, things went a lot smoother. As I got familiar with you, hurt didn't come by too often because you were always building a wall of protection for me...higher and higher, wider and wider. With your help, I eventually expected nothing from anyone, but I couldnt understand why I kept getting nothing in return. And slowly as we got to know each other better, you introduced me to some friends of your own: insecurity, and unhappiness. They were kinda hard to get used to at first, but it became easier as they willingly took all my accountability away. I was perfect in their eyes.

You see, I came by today to inform you that your friendship is no longer required. Thank you for being so good to me. I know you were just protecting me but it was from the wrong person: myself. The wall that you built, it blocked me out as well, so I couldn't see the sunshine anymore. I used to wonder why it always rained when we were together, but I know now that's because I couldn't embrace the rain, I only fell victim to it… and to you. Subconsciously you convicted me and that was my punishment. I think there's been a huge misunderstanding. You didn't tell me that knowing you came with SO much. Like a sisterhood everywhere we went, loneliness, deception, heartache, and anger, were sure to follow. Furthermore, when in totality, you guys took over my mind, body and soul. I was left crippled by your embrace. Its time I learned to walk on my own.

I haven't been accepting your invitations to come over lately. I'm sure you noticed because you've been sending me reminders constantly about what it used to be like when we were so close. Reminders came in the form of trials, tribulations, friends, lovers, even enemies; past acquaintances, even new faces. I noticed your hints but I didn't pay too much attention as I was busy with my new friend. Yes, as we grew apart, I met a new friend named Hope. We actually met at your house. When you weren't looking he saw me trying to knock down the wall you built and showed me how to look for the open door that always comes after the closed one. He never ceases to amaze me. I asked him how he knew were you lived and he tells me that you two used to be close. What happened? Anyway, when those reminders you sent came, he showed me how not to ignore you, but see past you and look at everything else that stood in front of me. That's when he introduced me to his friend Humility. Unlike you, he's not selfish. Surprisingly he said me and you should still keep in touch. And if it ever gets too much for me, Hope will be right there when I need him ; if he needs backup, humility wont be too far….he's kinda gangsta that way... lol. He always keeps me in check. You used to tell me that smiling gave the false impression that things were going better than they really are...so you wont feel too guilty for being happy despite your circumstance. But I see now that they are better, SO much better…so I HAVE to keep smiling.

Well anyway, I gotta go. I thank you for the great times we had, but this is where it ends for us. I'll stop by sometime just to catch up on old times but don't be surprised if we don't have much to talk about anymore. At the end of the day, I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you.

What's Right or What's Best...the choice is yours.....

As we go through life, we face many decisions on a daily basis. Some choices we have to make affect us for a moment, while others can affect us for a lifetime. As we grow, it can be said that none of the answers to the hard decisions we face get easier to find. We search high and low for some sort of “sign” that would eventually lead us in the right direction, in hopes to take the pressure off making the right choice for ourselves. The truth is there will never be a sign clear or big enough to base a life altering decision off of. To make the right choice can be seen as an innate feature in that at the end of the day, we know right from wrong. What to do with this knowledge is the hard part...which is where doing what’s best comes into play. Before we make some of our most important decisions, there needs to be some form of pre-determinant for each and every one. We need to decide if the choice we are about to make is either what's RIGHT or what's BEST.

When making an essential choice about something , we usually support what's right for reasons pertaining to OUR OWN personal afflictions with the matter . To do what's right means we do it because of what WE have to gain or lose in regards to the choice being made. We make what we believe to be a right decision because it will make us feel better or help us maintain a level of self-esteem or pride to go on with our lives. As we make the decision, we begin to ponder thoughts like," there’s nothing else that could’ve been done", or “I feel good about my decision because I couldn't take the pain anymore". Majority of “right" decisions help the individual...and there is nothing wrong with that. There comes a time in every man's life when they need to do right by themselves or at least realize what that would mean. The question that remains is whether or not it should be at the expense of what's best.

When faced with a difficult situation, to do what's best means that you're determining your choice not only on how it affects you, but all parties involved. To do so, you must put aside all feelings of anger, hurt, pride, guilt and contempt on the inside to focus on what's best for everyone; especially if the others impacted by your decision are people that you care about. It’s safe to say that it’s easier for someone looking on the outside to see the impact of life’s choices. A lot of times because of how our own feelings impact us, we neglect the feelings of others which may supercede our own in this particular situation. For example, look at a mother who may be unhappy at her current job. Day in and day out she goes to work feeling disrespected and unappreciated. She stays because although it makes her feel like crap, it’s what's best for now in order to take care of her children.
In friendships, often times we are able to see the mistakes that those close to us are making way before they are able to see it for themselves. Doing what's best may mean eventually keeping your opinions to yourself and being there for them in case they fall. Although you try to show them what's right, you do what's best for the sake of your friendship, which may mean standing back, shutting up and letting the power of experience take its course. This goes for relationships as well. Many times in a relationship, we encounter various trials in which we must decide on whether to do what's right for us as individuals or what's best for both parties. This usually goes in a cycle as we start off by doing what's right one person. Then as we grow into love for the person, we start to do what's best for our partner. If problems arise, you try to fix it by doing what you think is right for them. And in the unfortunate case where you reach the end of your relationship, you ultimately may choose what’s best for the both of you. To genuinely fall in love with someone means you lose all egotistical tendencies you once had, as you begin to value the well being and happiness of your partner, sometimes neglecting your own. As time passes and the "probationary period" ends when you realize that he/she isn't as perfect as you'd like them to be, choosing which path to take becomes more difficult as we are forced to do what we know is right for" me" or what's best for "we". At this point you may begin to question if its worth doing what’s best because you thought you were doing the best thing by getting into the relationship in the first place. It’s important to remember that what brought you to a certain place is not what makes you stay there.

Choosing what's right or what's best is usually dependent on what stage of growth you are presently in. What's right for us as individuals will always be evident as we know deep down what makes us happy. Seeing what's best may not be so easy. It requires a lot of self reflection and the gift of responsibility as you put aside your own present feelings to ensure the contentment of another. This may not be the easiest to do especially if you are left scorned, hurt, betrayed, among many other feelings as choosing to do what's right in order for you to stop these feelings looks better and better. The ability to look outside yourself and stepping foot into the shoes of another is one of life’s greatest experiences. It has the potential to humble you in a manner that will make some of life’s toughest decisions that much easier. The most important aspect of whatever decision you make is not only how you feel now, but how you'll feel later after the storm clears. The path you take will not only affect your current travels, but will ultimately affect your potential destination. Doing what we think is right can keep us going through each day, but doing what’s best can help you sleep at night. If you reached a level of both when you are able to incorporate both into your decision making, you’ll be just fine.

Truth is in the eyes of the beholder

As we go through life and interact with different people along the way, how we may try to act, may not necessarily be how someone else sees our behavior. The world goes round because each and every person has their own views and sees each and every aspect of life differently. One event can bring about countless of perceptions as to what actually happened. The important thing to remember is that just because someone doesn't view something the same way you do, it doesn't make it wrong… it makes it human.

Truth vs. Fact

We’re surrounded by countless facts. Fact: Barack Obama is president; Fact: there are 12 months in a year, and the list goes on. In grade school we learn the difference between fact and opinion, however as we grow older we need to embrace the difference between what's a fact, and what simply became a truth based on our point of view (our opinion). In court proceedings we" swear to tell the whole truth”. This is because the facts are already presented; the judge now needs to hear the truth in the eyes of those who have become witnesses. The fact could be that there were two witnesses present to a robbery however based on where they were and other forms of circumstantial evidence, how they perceived what happened could be totally different. Situations like this happen every day, in our own lives eventually impacting our own behavior.

Our Perceptions versus our actions play a major role in our everyday relationships. How we do something may be meant one way but someone else on the outside looking in could take it another. It’s easy to form our own truths, based on how it impacted you. Eventually if we believe something long enough or perceive an event to be a certain way for a long period of time, you sincerely think it to be valid based on the reliability of your feelings. Majority of times, in relationships the facts are clear, but the truth will often vary between the two parties involved....usually emphasizing the differences between males and females. It’s important to remember that the two viewpoints may be different, but it doesn't make it any less important or substantial. For example, although we may not have intended to cause any harm, and sincerely believe we had everyone’s best interest at heart, it doesn't take away from the fact that harm did arise based on the events that took place. Although you may not agree, you must respect their views in order to perhaps do things differently in the future.

Taking another person's truth into account is not easy, especially when you have your own truth on the same matter. We would all like others to understand where were coming from. However if we all thought the same way, we would live in a boring world and would not be able to grow to our full potential. Many of us look for understanding in relationships however it easily becomes wasted as judgment comes to play. We begin to throw stones easily forgetting that many of us still occupy glass houses…or at least have a glass window somewhere.

Before you try to understand someone, simply listen to them first. Although what they have to say may sound crazy and unwarranted, the respect you've shown by listening will take your relationship (no matter the type) a long way. The opinions of others help us grow as individuals. We know were ready to handle the facts when we can realize the importance of not just our truth, but the truth as others see it.